I feel like absolute shit right now. Pointless. Stupid. Nothing in my life is going the way I want it to, and it feels like everything around me is fading. Even the smallest things break me down. After I eat sweet stuff, my behavior spirals out of control—I act wrong in ways I can’t even fully explain, and it makes me cry. I don’t understand why people get scared of me, but I hate myself for misbehaving. I’m ashamed of it, even though I know I have autism, ADHD, OCD, and GAD. It eats me alive inside when I see myself slipping out of control, because that isn’t me. It’s like I become someone else, and I can’t stand it.

Right now I feel horrible. I want to cry. I want to scream. I feel like breaking something, hurting something—yet at the same time I feel so numb that all I can actually feel are my negative emotions. Everything I do feels wrong. Everything I try feels like it fails. And everything I am feels worthless.

I’ve worked so hard on myself—six years of trying nonstop to change my behavior, to be better. And what do I have to show for it? Nothing. I feel like I’m still just an ugly nobody. You don’t know me. You don’t know what I’ve been carrying all these years. I’m so tired. Tired enough that sometimes I just want everything to end.

Part of me wants to scream “I don’t deserve this!” But another part says I do. That I deserve every ounce of pain, suffering, and judgment I go through daily. That I should just take it without complaint. But it’s unbearable. It doesn’t go away. Nothing fixes me. I feel broken beyond repair. A few people, a few things, might hold me together for a little while, but in the end, they’ll all leave—because who would want to stay close to someone like me? Nobody. Because I’m ugly. I’m unimportant. I’m nothing. And maybe that’s exactly what I deserve.